Book Excerpt from:
Bully Proof:
The Gift of Self-Esteem
The Spectrum of Bullying
"Our society tends to tolerate or be unaware of subtle manipulative behaviors. Unfortunately, when bullies are not held accountable by adults and peers for these slight transgressions, they almost always escalate to greater degrees of bullying.
These are some less obvious and often accepted passive bullying behaviors:
• Disapproving or non-accepting body language, including rolling of the eyes, sighing, interrupting, smirking, furrowing one’s brow, and dismissive hand gestures.
• Disregarding someone’s presence, turning your back on them.
• Undermining someone’s value by ignoring their communication.
• Humor at the expense of another person (hurtful sarcasm, others as objects of jokes, etc.).
Not addressing these disrespectful behaviors in children is a quiet sign of approval or at least a statement that the behavior is reasonable. The goal is to encourage children to replace manipulative behavior with positive communication by coaching them to be respectful and honest when they disapprove of someone’s idea or actions instead of resorting to bullying behaviors.
Once bullying behaviors are established, children may graduate further along the bully spectrum, incorporating sarcasm, objectifying, isolating, excluding, engaging in rumors, lies, put-downs, and finally physical intimidation or assault. All of these actions are bullies’ attempts at control, and part and parcel of life’s playground. This playground is full of challenges; it includes both acts of aggression and acts of kindness. Coaching children to confidently recognize the difference between respectful actions and disrespectful ones allows the playground to divulge her lessons. Too often, children act like victims by adopting a victim mentality in response to bullies’ control strategies. As a result, they often end up getting more of the same disrespectful and manipulative behavior. The antidote is confidence, acceptance, and assertiveness, which results in less bullying behavior and more positive interactions."
These are some less obvious and often accepted passive bullying behaviors:
• Disapproving or non-accepting body language, including rolling of the eyes, sighing, interrupting, smirking, furrowing one’s brow, and dismissive hand gestures.
• Disregarding someone’s presence, turning your back on them.
• Undermining someone’s value by ignoring their communication.
• Humor at the expense of another person (hurtful sarcasm, others as objects of jokes, etc.).
Not addressing these disrespectful behaviors in children is a quiet sign of approval or at least a statement that the behavior is reasonable. The goal is to encourage children to replace manipulative behavior with positive communication by coaching them to be respectful and honest when they disapprove of someone’s idea or actions instead of resorting to bullying behaviors.
Once bullying behaviors are established, children may graduate further along the bully spectrum, incorporating sarcasm, objectifying, isolating, excluding, engaging in rumors, lies, put-downs, and finally physical intimidation or assault. All of these actions are bullies’ attempts at control, and part and parcel of life’s playground. This playground is full of challenges; it includes both acts of aggression and acts of kindness. Coaching children to confidently recognize the difference between respectful actions and disrespectful ones allows the playground to divulge her lessons. Too often, children act like victims by adopting a victim mentality in response to bullies’ control strategies. As a result, they often end up getting more of the same disrespectful and manipulative behavior. The antidote is confidence, acceptance, and assertiveness, which results in less bullying behavior and more positive interactions."
