Book Excerpt from:
Bully Proof:
The Gift of Self-Esteem
Programming the Master Computer (our brains)
Take the time for truth.
"Our children will listen and accept feedback when it is given peacefully. They do not need to defend or build walls of resistance, for they are being respected as equals. The defensive walls that prevent listening will not go up if we are not labeling or attacking our child’s character but simply provide feedback on their behavior. Also, being close, touching (hand on shoulder) or hugging, making eye contact, and using humor and playfulness all go a long way in diffusing frustration and anger in both parent and child. When kids are treated in such a kind manner they are more likely to treat their peers similarly. Greater connection and positive communication diminishes the potential for bullying.
I remember a lady who was registering her seven-year-old son at our martial arts school. With her son at her side, she told me how clumsy and accident-prone he was. She was well-meaning and wanted to convey to us that she hoped the training would help him. Afterwards, I asked if she was open to some feedback. She agreed. I explained how her description of her son reinforced the mental program that he ran about being clumsy and accident-prone. If his mind believed that this was who he was, it would become the story that he unconsciously played out. It may have been true that her son was prone to being clumsy at that time. However, do we want to reinforce this belief or label? Can we choose to impart messages that promote growth rather than limitations? In the presence of her son, she might have said, “My son is keen on learning martial arts to focus on improving his agility and coordination.”
The power of words to create beliefs or programs in a child’s mind cannot be overstated. Changing how we use words for ourselves as well as for our children can have overwhelmingly positive effects. We can say our child is lazy or we can say that their room is messy. The first statement is judgmental and promotes the idea that your child has a condition or disease called laziness. The second statement makes an observation that can be followed by a request: “Please clean your room.” Parents who are careful about the words they use will raise children who are more aware of how they communicate respectfully with others. The power of our words or the intent of our communication is relevant to all our relationships, with self, others, and bullies.
When disciplining or controlling our children (as a means to raise and protect them) we may struggle with our communication and use words that diminish confidence, manipulate negatively, and even threaten. As a result, our children are going to misuse their words in relationships; often this can place them in jeopardy with bullies and make them an easy or attractive target. Small yet important changes in how we say things to our children make a difference. Adults will go to great lengths to drop their mortgage rates by even a slight percentage point, as we are tremendously aware of the significant impact this will have in the long run. Likewise, slowing down and taking the time to carefully and consciously speak to our children in a truthful and positive fashion will have a profound impact over time.
Just as we should develop an awareness of how we talk to our children, we must help them develop an awareness of how they talk to themselves. Teaching our children about self-talk or inner dialog is a major tool in their ability to enhance and maintain their self-confidence. What our children say to themselves in their minds shapes their attitudes, their behaviors, and then their habits. Take time to ask children to reflect on their inner dialog to determine whether it is positive self-talk or the ramblings of limitations and fears. Children do not need to feel guilty about negative thoughts. They can be encouraged to notice them and to replace unhealthy thoughts with positive, constructive thinking. For example, coaching your child to say, “I can” as opposed to “I can’t” creates more positive potential.
Children will give away their inner thoughts to the parent or educator who is willing to listen. Often our children’s words will not match their body language. The parent who listens with eyes as well as ears may catch the real message, one that is not being said but is definitely conveyed. For example, your child’s words may indicate a willingness to participate in a new activity and yet you notice that their body language and facial cues suggest otherwise. Your attention to what they are really saying may give you and your child the opportunity to address the pivotal issue of fear bouncing around in their mind.
As parents and educators, we definitely won’t catch everything. However, we can coach our children to talk positively and honestly to themselves. Provide your children with the analogy that their self-talk is constantly programming their master computer (their brain) to either succeed or to fail, that the cells of their bodies listen and respond to all persistent thoughts. Encourage persistently constructive and truthful thinking that accentuates the positive (without ignoring possible obstacles).
These are powerful strategies that take practice. However, they are worth every moment of thought and energy because they will take your children miles along the path of bully-proofing and self-actualization.
I remember a lady who was registering her seven-year-old son at our martial arts school. With her son at her side, she told me how clumsy and accident-prone he was. She was well-meaning and wanted to convey to us that she hoped the training would help him. Afterwards, I asked if she was open to some feedback. She agreed. I explained how her description of her son reinforced the mental program that he ran about being clumsy and accident-prone. If his mind believed that this was who he was, it would become the story that he unconsciously played out. It may have been true that her son was prone to being clumsy at that time. However, do we want to reinforce this belief or label? Can we choose to impart messages that promote growth rather than limitations? In the presence of her son, she might have said, “My son is keen on learning martial arts to focus on improving his agility and coordination.”
The power of words to create beliefs or programs in a child’s mind cannot be overstated. Changing how we use words for ourselves as well as for our children can have overwhelmingly positive effects. We can say our child is lazy or we can say that their room is messy. The first statement is judgmental and promotes the idea that your child has a condition or disease called laziness. The second statement makes an observation that can be followed by a request: “Please clean your room.” Parents who are careful about the words they use will raise children who are more aware of how they communicate respectfully with others. The power of our words or the intent of our communication is relevant to all our relationships, with self, others, and bullies.
When disciplining or controlling our children (as a means to raise and protect them) we may struggle with our communication and use words that diminish confidence, manipulate negatively, and even threaten. As a result, our children are going to misuse their words in relationships; often this can place them in jeopardy with bullies and make them an easy or attractive target. Small yet important changes in how we say things to our children make a difference. Adults will go to great lengths to drop their mortgage rates by even a slight percentage point, as we are tremendously aware of the significant impact this will have in the long run. Likewise, slowing down and taking the time to carefully and consciously speak to our children in a truthful and positive fashion will have a profound impact over time.
Just as we should develop an awareness of how we talk to our children, we must help them develop an awareness of how they talk to themselves. Teaching our children about self-talk or inner dialog is a major tool in their ability to enhance and maintain their self-confidence. What our children say to themselves in their minds shapes their attitudes, their behaviors, and then their habits. Take time to ask children to reflect on their inner dialog to determine whether it is positive self-talk or the ramblings of limitations and fears. Children do not need to feel guilty about negative thoughts. They can be encouraged to notice them and to replace unhealthy thoughts with positive, constructive thinking. For example, coaching your child to say, “I can” as opposed to “I can’t” creates more positive potential.
Children will give away their inner thoughts to the parent or educator who is willing to listen. Often our children’s words will not match their body language. The parent who listens with eyes as well as ears may catch the real message, one that is not being said but is definitely conveyed. For example, your child’s words may indicate a willingness to participate in a new activity and yet you notice that their body language and facial cues suggest otherwise. Your attention to what they are really saying may give you and your child the opportunity to address the pivotal issue of fear bouncing around in their mind.
As parents and educators, we definitely won’t catch everything. However, we can coach our children to talk positively and honestly to themselves. Provide your children with the analogy that their self-talk is constantly programming their master computer (their brain) to either succeed or to fail, that the cells of their bodies listen and respond to all persistent thoughts. Encourage persistently constructive and truthful thinking that accentuates the positive (without ignoring possible obstacles).
These are powerful strategies that take practice. However, they are worth every moment of thought and energy because they will take your children miles along the path of bully-proofing and self-actualization.
