Book Excerpt from:
Bully Proof:
The Gift of Self-Esteem
Deflective Deterrents
It is a lazy mind that lets the body take a beating.
The art of Tongue Fu, or disarming your opponent with words, is the basis for our next set of strategies. These communication strategies require direct involvement with bullies, more so than the Initial Tactics. The bullied child requires a greater level of confidence (or at least the courage to give the false pretense of confidence). As in physical self-defense, emotional and intellectual defense can employ strategies that do not harm the bully physically or emotionally. Rather, they are designed to deflect harmful intent, to dissolve hurtful words or actions by acknowledging the truth, to derail aggression through questions, and lastly to diffuse anger with tactful humor.
As with the Initial Tactics, the Deflective Deterrents are often more effective when used in conjunction with other strategies. The bullied child becomes the master, choosing which strategy to apply and how. As these strategies are implemented with the bully, they work equally on the bullied child, disarming the ego and diminishing insecurities vulnerable to attack. By respectfully neutralizing the bully’s aggression, the bullied child reduces their own need for peer approval while boosting self-esteem. The first of these strategies is the easiest to start with; it is simple and effective and won’t take your child long to master.
The strategy of “being agreeable” is about taking away the bully’s ability to argue or instigate further confrontation. It normally takes two to tango, two to argue, and two to fight. When the bully unloads an obvious lie on your child to initiate a confrontation, your child can simply agree with the bully. The bully is left in confusion, mouth hanging open. Without a rebuttal from the intended victim, the bully has less tangible means to promote the desired conflict.
This strategy of being agreeable can be a real gem, draining the life out of the bully’s attempts to push your child’s buttons. Being agreeable is often combined with humor to make a potent instrument for defeating the fears of victims and bullies alike. For example, the bully snarls, “You are the dumbest kid in the neighborhood.” Your child agrees by responding, “Yes, I am. And I have worked hard to earn that title.” The potential victim knows that this statement is designed to leave the bully without fuel to continue their attack. The victim has become assertive, not taking the insult personally or internalizing its intended harm, and, even if only momentarily, they have successfully and non-violently disarmed the attacker.
Ancient martial arts wisdom states, “The wise refuse to quarrel, so no one quarrels with them.” The bully doesn’t want to dance alone in his or her attempt to rile your child. Therefore, once your child has established a resistance to being lured into an argument and getting upset, the bully looks for a different dance partner. Agreeing with the bully ends the argument before it can even start. Imagine your child being insulted by the bully: “You’re an idiot.” If your kid argues that he or she is indeed not an idiot, it just gives the bully more opportunity to continue the debate and escalate the verbal attack. On the other hand, if your kid chooses neither to be defensive nor to take things personally, her or his calm demeanor and agreement provides the bully with no opposing fear or anger to build upon.
Similarly, if the bully calls your child a loser, his or her response could be, “Yes, I am the biggest loser on the planet, thanks for noticing!” The bully thinks, “Only a confident kid can say that out loud. She or he obviously doesn’t believe what I’m saying.” Our children can learn to accept any insult without being triggered emotionally. Their calmness and agreement dismantles the derogatory comment. “You’re an idiot,” can be followed with, “Thanks for noticing; I have been working on this idiot thing all day!” Practice is vital. Role-play “being agreeable” with your kids until it feels natural for them to not feel the need to strike back with negative words or defend their character.
Being agreeable works best when bullies taunt with disparaging remarks (as in the previous examples), not with accusations of misconduct. Being agreeable is not recommended when the bully is confronting by claiming the victim’s wrong-doing or delinquency. “You are the locker room thief” and “you are a druggie,” are examples of transgressions that the bullied child should not agree with. Children should avoid this particular strategy when they are accused of a specific wrong-doing or crime. Generally, this strategy can really shine with light-to-moderate bullying that criticizes children’s personalities.
We teach this tool to students in a progressive manner, starting with a trusted teacher who intentionally insults a larger group of students in jest. Since everyone is being called “scum,” the children feel it is ridiculous to take the insult seriously or personally. The next progression, when you feel children are ready and the timing is right, involves insulting them on an individual basis. Initially, the tone and body language that delivers the insult is kind in nature and the statement carries the feel of clowning around. The progressions can continue to increase in realism until the verbal bullying is delivered without warning and with tone and attitude. As children become more aware of the strategy of agreeing, their skills of acceptance and deflection grow. The former victim begins to understand that even vile verbal insults do not need to penetrate their calm or diminish their self-worth. The idea of taking the bully’s rants seriously and becoming defensive (falling into the bully’s trap) becomes a ridiculous notion and the put-downs seem laughable.
As with the Initial Tactics, the Deflective Deterrents are often more effective when used in conjunction with other strategies. The bullied child becomes the master, choosing which strategy to apply and how. As these strategies are implemented with the bully, they work equally on the bullied child, disarming the ego and diminishing insecurities vulnerable to attack. By respectfully neutralizing the bully’s aggression, the bullied child reduces their own need for peer approval while boosting self-esteem. The first of these strategies is the easiest to start with; it is simple and effective and won’t take your child long to master.
The strategy of “being agreeable” is about taking away the bully’s ability to argue or instigate further confrontation. It normally takes two to tango, two to argue, and two to fight. When the bully unloads an obvious lie on your child to initiate a confrontation, your child can simply agree with the bully. The bully is left in confusion, mouth hanging open. Without a rebuttal from the intended victim, the bully has less tangible means to promote the desired conflict.
This strategy of being agreeable can be a real gem, draining the life out of the bully’s attempts to push your child’s buttons. Being agreeable is often combined with humor to make a potent instrument for defeating the fears of victims and bullies alike. For example, the bully snarls, “You are the dumbest kid in the neighborhood.” Your child agrees by responding, “Yes, I am. And I have worked hard to earn that title.” The potential victim knows that this statement is designed to leave the bully without fuel to continue their attack. The victim has become assertive, not taking the insult personally or internalizing its intended harm, and, even if only momentarily, they have successfully and non-violently disarmed the attacker.
Ancient martial arts wisdom states, “The wise refuse to quarrel, so no one quarrels with them.” The bully doesn’t want to dance alone in his or her attempt to rile your child. Therefore, once your child has established a resistance to being lured into an argument and getting upset, the bully looks for a different dance partner. Agreeing with the bully ends the argument before it can even start. Imagine your child being insulted by the bully: “You’re an idiot.” If your kid argues that he or she is indeed not an idiot, it just gives the bully more opportunity to continue the debate and escalate the verbal attack. On the other hand, if your kid chooses neither to be defensive nor to take things personally, her or his calm demeanor and agreement provides the bully with no opposing fear or anger to build upon.
Similarly, if the bully calls your child a loser, his or her response could be, “Yes, I am the biggest loser on the planet, thanks for noticing!” The bully thinks, “Only a confident kid can say that out loud. She or he obviously doesn’t believe what I’m saying.” Our children can learn to accept any insult without being triggered emotionally. Their calmness and agreement dismantles the derogatory comment. “You’re an idiot,” can be followed with, “Thanks for noticing; I have been working on this idiot thing all day!” Practice is vital. Role-play “being agreeable” with your kids until it feels natural for them to not feel the need to strike back with negative words or defend their character.
Being agreeable works best when bullies taunt with disparaging remarks (as in the previous examples), not with accusations of misconduct. Being agreeable is not recommended when the bully is confronting by claiming the victim’s wrong-doing or delinquency. “You are the locker room thief” and “you are a druggie,” are examples of transgressions that the bullied child should not agree with. Children should avoid this particular strategy when they are accused of a specific wrong-doing or crime. Generally, this strategy can really shine with light-to-moderate bullying that criticizes children’s personalities.
We teach this tool to students in a progressive manner, starting with a trusted teacher who intentionally insults a larger group of students in jest. Since everyone is being called “scum,” the children feel it is ridiculous to take the insult seriously or personally. The next progression, when you feel children are ready and the timing is right, involves insulting them on an individual basis. Initially, the tone and body language that delivers the insult is kind in nature and the statement carries the feel of clowning around. The progressions can continue to increase in realism until the verbal bullying is delivered without warning and with tone and attitude. As children become more aware of the strategy of agreeing, their skills of acceptance and deflection grow. The former victim begins to understand that even vile verbal insults do not need to penetrate their calm or diminish their self-worth. The idea of taking the bully’s rants seriously and becoming defensive (falling into the bully’s trap) becomes a ridiculous notion and the put-downs seem laughable.
